Am I the Right Kind of Wife?

This past weekend, Mark & I joined countless others who have been sucked into the black hole known as "24". I've always been a fan of Kiefer Sutherland with his soft voice and serious ways. In high school, I watched the movie "Young Guns" over and over and over. I lost count at 27 times. I can quote it all the way through, and I'll still watch it any time I catch it on. When I hear that opening line on each episode of 24, I don't hear Jack Bauer, but instead, I hear Josiah G. "Doc" Scurlock, the kind and gentle outlaw who rode with Billy the Kid.

But I digress.

I had a thought while watching the first episode that has been with me for days now. In this episode, there is a major family crisis. Of course, right in the middle of it, Jack, the main character, gets called out to work. I couldn't help thinking how frustrating it would be for his wife. I found myself pulling for her to just hang in there with him, to not let herself get discouraged and give up on their already unsteady marriage.

At the same time, the woman that works for him was all over him, in the most annoying way... Where are you going? Where have you been? Why did you do that? How can I help you if you don't tell me what's going on?...It was seriously almost enough to make me turn it off.

I was struck by the differences in the two women in his life. And thinking that with a job like his (government agent married to his career), he would need a particular kind of wife (strong, patient, understanding, and completely unselfish), I naturally began to think about my own man.

What kind of wife does HE need?

That question has been on my mind almost constantly the last few days. Every man is different, so it stands to reason that every man needs his own kind of wife. What kind of wife does Mark need? What qualities should I be exhibiting that would be of most help to him? What things do I do that are not helpful to him? What should I be doing more of? Do I have habits or traits that suck the life out of him? What particular personality or character traits are necessary for me to have or obtain to make me a suitable wife for this one man?

1. Willing to Work: Mark is not a lazy man, and early on, I learned that he has a very low tolerance for laziness in general. This has meant years of progress for me, as I was not accustomed to hard work, and certainly not the kind of work I now find myself doing. Just this week, I thought of more things I should be doing around here.
2. Self-Motivated: I once heard Mark comment about a man that works for him. He said he'd pay whatever was necessary to keep him around, because he could tell the man to do something once and then walk away, knowing it would be done (even as I type this, that man's son is weed-eating our fence rows). I have never forgotten this. Mark doesn't have the time to stand over someone to make sure things get done. He appreciates and trusts ones who will take initiative and follow through.
   
3. Trusting (or, NOT BEING NEEDY): This was a hard one for me. Though I never considered myself needy, I have had to rise to a whole new level of non-neediness, if that is even a word! My top two "love languages" are quality time and words of encouragement. These two did not even make Mark's list, and I'm not joking even a little bit. A good wife for Mark is one who will simply trust in his love with no demands. I learned that when I tried to get him to show me love in the way I needed it to be shown, he only felt defeated, like nothing he did was enough for me. I'm thankful that I now see all the ways he loves me, in his own way. Now that my eyes have been opened, I see it everywhere.
4. Independent: It became apparent early on, that for much of this adventure, I'd be flying solo. Homeschooling is just one example. Mark wants his children educated, and he fully expects and trusts me to do it. His only involvement is the money it takes to get the job done. I asked him once about a curriculum choice, and his response to me was something along the lines of "That's why I have you." Many husbands want to be involved. Mine doesn't. It is a service to him to just do the job without burdening him with the details... and this applies to so much in our marriage. A large part of my service to him is taking care of as much as can without him. His job is huge, and I love to take burdens off of him.
5. Understanding: I related totally with the wife in 24. Right in the middle of something, and the phone rings. Without so much as a "Sorry,", he's out the door for who knows how long. I'm embarrassed to tell you how miserably I failed at this single point for most of our marriage, silly woman that I am. If I had a dollar for every time I've whined and complained about his job, I could pay someone to do it for him! I still struggle sometimes at the end of months of what feels like just passing in the halls. But, I am so thankful for his loyalty and his work ethic, and always, always, there comes a time of refreshing and reconnecting if I'm patient. God is faithful!
6. Willing to be Quiet: It's true. I talk incessantly and a mile a minute and always have. He actually loves this about me! It compliments his serious, quiet nature. Sometimes he likes me to just sit and talk. BUT...sometimes he needs me to shut it. Sometimes, like when he's made a decision I don't agree with, he needs me to be quiet and trust him (we won't go into how long it's taken me to learn this lesson). Other times, when he's exhausted and just wants to rest, he needs me to be satisfied to just be with him, without words. And when he's in the mood to talk, he needs me to stop talking and listen. After years of being with him, I started to see that he doesn't always expect or even want a response, but rather, a sounding board.
   
7. Resourceful: Mark doesn't teach. He expects. Sounds harsh, but it isn't at all. It just means that when he married me, he considered me intelligent and capable. So he doesn't really teach me how to do the things he expects me to do (remember the homeschooling example?). I remember sitting on his new riding mower for a full 15 minutes once before finally figuring out how to crank it. His request to mow the yard did not come complete with instructions! I can't tell you how many times I've had to Google this or that to learn how to do something he thought would be a good idea. This has opened the door for so many new things, though! We would not own a cow right now, for instance, if he didn't trust me to be able to figure out what to do with it! I'll have to say that this exchange is probably the trademark of our relationship.

Generally speaking, a GOOD wife for Mark is capable and low-maintenance. She is not whiny or lazy or needy. She doesn't require coddling or even large amounts of tenderness. She is willing to take on his work in addition to her own. She works happily beside him when he's there, and independently when he's not. She supports him and trusts him, whether or not she agrees with him. She doesn't attempt to steer him this way or that, but is willing to simply be where he is, figuratively and literally. She is always learning how to do something new in order to be useful to his vision. She does not place emotional demands on him, but instead, allows her Lord to fill her cup.

I don't think Mark thought all of this out before he married me. Yes, he believed me to be capable and intelligent, and because of that, he thought we'd make a good team. He knew me to be feisty and able to take a joke, so probably I wasn't overly sensitive. And he thought I was kind of cute, which fit another requirement altogether.

What he didn't know or foresee is that I was also spoiled and lazy. He didn't know that I thought I was smarter than him and would therefore second guess his every decision or manipulate him at every turn. He didn't foresee that I was a game player and would cry or pout, either to get my way or to coax a loving word from him. He couldn't have guessed that I was a little needy after all, and so very possessive of his time, and would want him with me every spare second of the day. He didn't know that every move he made would need to be reported to me or every decision cleared with me. He didn't get the memo that it was, at the end of the day, all about him adapting to me. My needs. My wants. My way.

I wonder now, looking back, that he tolerated me those many years. Granted, Mark is one of those men who is loyal to the core, who loves in spite of, because he said he would. But what a pity to keep my husband, only because he's true to his word, and not because he's joyfully satisfied with the wife of his youth. I am in humble awe at the mercy of God to change my heart that I might not only keep my husband, but actually be a pleasure in his life, and not a burden among burdens.

I've come a long way, but I have not arrived. There are so many things yet to be changed in me, for Mark's pleasure and God's glory. I need to learn how to do more in the garden. I need to find a system of keeping up with the checkbook that appeals to Mark and is doable for me. And then there are the harder things, like smiling when he doesn't. Like not taking advantage of his servant's heart when I'm tired but he is more so.

In the end, it all comes back to me, adapting to him. Sad and bitter is the woman who has it the other way around. I should know.

May the Lord continually encourage his married daughters to ask ourselves, "Am I the right kind of wife?"

Blessings,
Em